I cannot forget to mention that my dance teacher Dimitriy is Russian. Does that sound too cliche? Well, anyway it’s true. Dimitriy started studying dance at age 9 in Russia (he and I are the same age now). I’m not quite sure how he made it to Fresno but he’s running a dance school here and he’s an amazing teacher. He calls himself “the crazy Russian.”
Often I’ll say to Dimitriy, as he’s insisting that my arm be stretched this way as my hips be stretched in opposite direction: “But my body doesn’t go that way!” His response, in his thickest Russian accent: “I’m sorry, girl!” Yeah, he doesn’t care.
Ballroom dancing in many ways is the hardest workout I’ve ever done. I know that sounds silly to those who’ve never tried it, but trust me when I say it’s freaking hard. But it’s also beautiful in it’s challenge, and certainly in it’s end result.
Seeing a therapist is also beautiful in it’s challenge. It’s been years since I’ve been in counseling and it’s so good to be back. I can probably count on both hands the number of therapists I’ve seen in my life - judge me as you will - some therapists were amazing and some were OK. One was even a jackass, but I digress.
Why do we go to counseling? Not because we’re certifiably insane. Because we’re healthy. Because we’re able to pray the word “help” (as Anne Lammott is so fond of doing).
Our brains are miraculous in that they have the ability to store the events of our lives and then secrete memories and feelings about those events as the brain sees fit. Triggers from our current lives conjure up memories from the past, and in tandem the feelings that accompany our memories. I find that usually these triggers occur when we least expect it.
Subconsciously, my mind was making connections between my life today and my life three decades ago. In a way, my mind was preparing me to go down a certain road again. A road I thought I was already OK with. A road I assumed was permanently fixed. But I was wrong. My mind and my heart together were opening up stuff that needed to be addressed again. I told my therapist: “I thought I was OK with this. But I’m crying. Something’s not right. Help.”
"Out on the farthest edge, there in the silence, you were there
My faith was torn to shreds, heart in the balance, but you were there
Always faithful, always good
You have still have me
You still have my heart
I thought I had seen the end, everything broken, but you were there
I've wandered heaven's gates, I've made my bed in hell
You were there still
You have me
You have my heart completely" ~ Gungor
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