Dear Simon

Today marks a milestone. My firstborn, Luke, is ten years old. I’ve been parenting for a decade.

Two weeks ago I became an auntie for the third time when my younger (the middle) sister Angela had her first baby. A beautiful baby boy named Simon. Simon is round, with dark intriguing eyes and a full head of blonde hair. My arms long to hold him.

I got to thinking about my nephew and my sister, as I think about my own son’s tenth birthday and what it means to me. About what it means to have been a mom for all of this time now, about my love for my child. I thought forward: to Simon’s tenth birthday. 

I got this crazy idea that it’d be a cool way to process my own journey by explaining to my nephew in the not-so-distant future how his mom may just feel about him and her journey as his parent after ten long, but short, years.

So here goes:

Dear Simon,

When your mom woke up this morning, when she wakes up every morning, the first thing she thinks about is you. She considers how she may help you make the world a better place in the 24 hours that will follow.

She’ll start with the basics: feeding you, making sure you’ve gone to the bathroom and if she needs to she’ll have given you a quick spit wash. There’s a little ketchup leftover, after all, from the attempt at a nutritious dinner last night: chicken nuggets.

While she does the basics, she wonders if she’s meeting all of your needs as best as she can. She’ll second guess herself, and she may even be right to do so. After all, us parents, well, we’re only human. We’re all seriously flawed.

Throughout the day she’ll make sure you get to where you need to be. She’ll make sure you get your homework done, that you bathe, and also that you do your chores. It’s important that you're learning responsibility even, and especially, at the age of 10.

Maybe she bought you your first handheld video game today and her heart swells with gladness that you are so happy. You’ve waited so patiently for this electronic. In fact, you’ve been asking for it for years. Finally the time was right and now you know what it’s like to have to be patient. And how the cliche is cliche for a reason: the best things (do) come to those who wait.

When your mom watches you explain yourself she’s amazed that a such little person (even though at this point you’re rather big) has such a large mind and observes the world in their own unique way. When she hugs you it’s not for long enough. When she tickles the back of your neck, your giggles don’t last as long as she wishes.

You see, life takes you away from her. However, you’re so deeply connected that even when you’re physically away she’s aware of your presence, and she never really stops considering what it is that makes you tick or how she can help you live your best life imaginable. 

Your mother loves you deeply, without abandon. You are her firstborn, her guinea pig. She will absolutely do anything to help you succeed in life, but she’ll also let you go when you need to figure out some very important things on your own. She’ll cry with you, for certain, she will. But she’ll let the tears come, because she knows you must experience for yourself the highs and lows of life; you’ll need to learn how to navigate your own journey.

So for now, happy tenth birthday, my beloved nephew. You’ve certainly earned a very special place in my heart. I love you. And your mother loves you even more.

Love,

Auntie Can

Luke: January 30, 2003

Luke: Today